Thanks to the ever-expanding Marvel multiverse, the original Peter Parker Spider-Man is not the only version of Spider-Man out there. This has been popularized on a massive scale by the success of the Spider-Verse movies, but for all the Spider-Men at both the forefront and in the background of those films, there are countless more versions in the comics.
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While many of those alternate versions of Spider-Man are exciting, inspiring, and unique takes on the character, others are less so. They may still have spider-powers (or not), but these characters are no street-level superheroes. These are the worst versions of Spider-Man in all the multiverse.
The term "worst" is being applied in a broad sense here. These aren't all bad iterations on the Spider-Man character. Some are, sure, but other versions are horrifically evil, or had a more adverse reaction to the radioactive spider bite. Some of them are just really annoying. That doesn't mean that all of these Spider-Man stories should be avoided, as some are very interesting approaches to the character.
Spiders-Man
Your Friendly Neighborhood Hive Mind
- First Appearance: Spider-Geddon #3
Everyone knows the story: Peter Parker is a gifted high-school student who visits a high-tech lab and is devoured by a massive colony of radioactive spiders who then assume his identity... Wait, what? This version of Spider-Man isn't really Spider-Man at all; he's a conscious colony of spiders that took on Peter Parker's persona, then they put on a mask and started fighting crime.
As hilariously absurd of an idea as it is, it's also a seriously creepy one. That said, while Peter Parker's spider-bite superpowers may stretch the bounds of believability, Spiders-Man blasts right through them. Spiders-Man is far more of a villain than he is a hero or anti-hero. From decapitating his universe's version of Green Goblin to joining forces with Superior Spider-Man, this is no everyday hero in spandex. Even with his amoral tendencies, Spiders-Man feels about as close to jumping the shark as the Spider-variants have gotten.
Spider-Punisher
Somehow Misses The Point Of Both Characters
- First Appearance: What If? The Punisher #1
The thing about Marvel's What If? Comics is that they are be departures from the norm; flights of fancy to explore how Marvel's cast of iconic characters might have turned out if things had gone differently in their lives. Because of that, we're willing to give Spider-Punisher a bit of grace on that front and overlook the fact that this version of Spider-Man took all the same lessons from the death of his Uncle Ben, but decided that crossing that one line and killing someone (and then multiple someones) wasn't off the table.
The thing with Spider-Punisher is that, in the end, he ends up happy. He rescues Gwen Stacy from Green Goblin (killing him in the process), slaughters the Sinister Six, then hangs up the spandex, marries Gwen, and lives a normal life. While the story is trying to make the point that Peter makes things harder for himself by adhering to his moral code, the fact is that's not what makes Spider-Man's life so difficult. It's his inability to separate Peter Parker's life from Spider-Man's. Killing his enemies doesn't change anything in that regard, as more will always crop up. Meanwhile, Peter could stop being Spider-Man at any time, but he refuses to. On the other side of the coin, The Punisher isn't exactly a happy guy either. His commitment to violent vigilantism (and his PTSD) has him living about as solitary and lonely a life as possible, and no amount of spider-powers would change that and send him sprinting for suburban life. Somehow, this combination of both characters managed to miss the point of both of them as well.
Spider-Moon-Man
To The Moon!
- First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3) #9
Introduced as part of the Spider-Verse run of Amazing Spider-Man, Spider-Moon-Man comes from a universe where humanity has colonized the Moon. There, Peter Parker is a high school student who is bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes Spider-Man. He even became a photographer for the Daily Bugle. On a call for the Bugle, Spider-Moon-Man encounters the villain Morlun, who snaps his neck.
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While he was eventually revived upon Morlun's defeat, the worst part about Spider-Moon-Man is that there is nothing that sets him apart from the regular version of Spider-Man. Sure, he lives on the Moon, but even that doesn't alter his origin story or powers in any way. He's just the exact same Spider-Man, but from the Moon. This version is more of a disappointment than anything, as there is certainly room for some creativity when it comes to the idea of Spider-Man on the Moon, but it's never explored.
Golden Spongecake Spider-Man
Yes, It's Real
- First Appearance: Marvel Hostess Ads #1
Created as part of an advertising collaboration between Marvel and Hostess, Golden Spongecake Spider-Man, like many heroes in his universe, battles evil by using the delicious taste of Hostess-brand Cakes. In Spider-Man's case, he had a particular affinity for Twinkies and Hostess Fruit Pies. He defeated a number of villains with these tasty treats, including Madame Web and Hotshot.
While this version of Spider-Man was originally created for an advertisement that ran in a number of comics during the mid-1970s, he was officially canonized during the Spider-Verse run of Amazing Spider-Man. Unsurprisingly, Golden Spongecake Spider-Man was also quickly killed off by Morlun, but was revived upon the villain's defeat.
Spider-Man Ruins
Peter Parker, Meet Murphy's Law
- First Appearance: Ruins #2
Ruins was a Marvel Comics run that took place on Earth-9591. In this dimension, Murphy's Law isn't just an adage; it's a foundation of reality. All the same Marvel characters are present on this Earth, but for everything that went right for the heroes on Earth-616, those same things went horrifically wrong for them here. Reed Richards died when his space shuttle crashed on Earth. Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, incinerated his family with his eye beams, and therefore, had his eyes removed before being thrown in prison. The Punisher was killed in a gunfight in Chicago.
The Earth-9591 version of Peter Parker was also bitten by a radioactive spider. However, instead of granting him superhuman abilities, all it did was infect him with a virus; a contagious mutant virus. Before he even realizes he's infected, Peter spreads this virus to dozens of other people. He is last seen after being quarantined, when the virus has caused a rash to cover his entire body and made his hair fall out. Ruins is a fascinating thought experiment within the Marvel universe, but needless to say, this is a very depressing version of Spider-Man.
Pete Spiderman
That's His Name
- First Appearance: Edge of Spider-Verse (Vol. 2) #4
After being bitten by a radioactive spider that was living in his couch, an accountant literally named Pete Spiderman gains a couple of spider-powers and becomes a member of his neighborhood watch. He is able to stick to walls (his whole body is sticky, in fact), and he can shoot webs out of his wrists and belly button. Cool...
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As far as the worst versions of Spider-Man go, this one is the most intentionally awful of the bunch. Pete isn't a loser in the sense that he's nerdy, like Peter Parker is; he's just lame. He already had no ambition before the spider bite, and afterwards, all he does is protect his suburbs on occasion. He was recently transported to Earth-616 and has since teamed up with Spider-Ham, which might make for the most annoying duo in comic book history.
Spider-Man: Reign
Iconic For All The Wrong Reasons
- First Appearance: Spider-Man: Reign Vol. 1
Even without reading it, a vast majority of Spider-Man fans are aware of the twist in Spider-Man: Reign because of how completely out of left field it is. This run was supposed to be a response to Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, a dark and gritty story set in Spider-Man's later years, where all his heroic deeds are put under a stark spotlight to show how much good they really did decades later. In some cases, Spider-Man: Reign accomplishes this quite well. In others, not so much.
In a dark future where there are no more superheroes, Peter Parker is an old man, and Mary Jane Watson is dead. Peter is approached by J. Jonah Jameson, who asks him to return to being Spider-Man to fight back against New York's tyrannical mayor. In the process, he must also battle older versions of the Sinister Six and Venom, while finding surprising allies in Doc Ock and Sandman. All this is fine, and the gritty approach to a Spidey story is engaging. The big issue is the twist surrounding Mary Jane's death. It's revealed that the radioactive spider bite that gave Peter his powers also made him subtly radioactive. By apparently having lots of sex with Mary Jane, Peter's radioactive sperm killed her. It's just... So bad. So insanely bad that it distracts from anything else that is interesting or unique about Spider-Man: Reign, and it certainly makes "Radioactive Sperm Spider-Man" one of the worst versions of the character.
Patton Parnel
Catches (And Eats) Thieves Just Like Flies
- First Appearance: Edge of Spider-Verse #4
Not that Peter Parker had an easy upbringing, but Patton Parnel had it worse. He's a deeply troubled young man with an abusive uncle for a caretaker, and he has developed a fascination with experimenting on animals. One day, when visiting a local lab with his crush, Sara Jane (who wants to free the animal test subjects trapped within), Patton is bitten by a giant red spider. However, the powers he develops aren't exactly heroic.
It begins when Patton kills and eats a mouse. Next, he moves on to a cat. When his uncle comes home, he finds Patton transformed into a giant spider monster. Patton then attacks and kills him. Patton never had a heroic bone in his body (he even calls the idea of being a superhero "boring"), and so when Morlun arrives in his universe and kills him, it's almost a blessing. If only he'd gotten there in time to stop Patton from biting Sara Jane and implanting a bunch of tiny spider eggs in her body.
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